Category Archives: Humour

How to Not Give Directions!

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Learning to give proper directions to a destination does not necessarily provide you an edge in any way but can certainly save a lot of time for people receiving the instructions!!
I live in Chennai where it is quite easy to get directions(not necessarily accurate) as people here are very helpful.On a couple of occasions I got directions that were really weird. I’ve decided to repeat the scenes so that you get a sense of my bewilderment :

Scenario 1:

Me : “So,How do I get to the marriage Hall?” Continue reading →

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3 Weird Cricketing Statements That Make No Sense

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I have been an ardent cricket fan for more than 20 years and have picked up the nuances of the game by playing,watching & listening to commentary(I don’t know why I am telling you about my involvement with cricket;as though someone needs to provide credentials to be a cricket critic!!).I have come across 3 statements made by cricketers in the recent past that absolutely make no sense to me.Here are 3 of them:–

1.“You have to know where the off-stump is ..” Where will the off-stump be?..next to the middle stump 🙂 obviously.OK,poor joke but does not the batsman position himself according to the stump guard he takes when he comes in to bat? Cricketers talk about this aspect as though they have to practice like a blind-folded Van Damme ( in Bloodsport to know where the next punch would be).Everyone likes to add a touch of mystery to what they do…hmm.

2.“I learnt how to control the non-bowling arm….” .Most bowlers who cannot control their line have this problem.Any coach worth his salt can detect and correct this easily You just have to ensure that the non-bowling arm moves in a definite arc instead of wandering like an alien appendage.Anyway how many arms does a cricketer have? Two,like everyone else.How difficult is it to remember to control your non-bowling arm?

3. “T20 Cricket destroys Test Cricketers…” . I don’t know if people who say this are jealous of the amount of money made in IPL but I cannot see how one format can corrupt another format.If a F1 driver drives a Hyundai Eon on a crowded street would he accelerate to 100 kmph just because he is F1 driver? Having variety does not necessarily kill the flavor of anything.

Are there other cricketing statements that sound weird to you?Let me know in the comments section.

 

6 Ways Indians spruce up their Facebook Profile before marriage

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Common FB behavior patterns displayed before Indian marriages

After looking at thousands of FB posts (I am not a stalker just a caring and curious friend 🙂 ) ,I have finally established 6 behavior patterns among Indians who are looking to get married (especially “arranged marriages”).Here they are:–

1.Photos of swimsuit wear suddenly disappears (removed/hidden from view thanks to Facebook’s constantly evolving security settings).

2.Videos of cute babies doing cute stuff are shared and commented on. Most of the time, guys comment on posts of girl babies (or)girl relatives below the age of ten.(“Had an awesome time with my niece”…)

3.Friends from the opposite sex whose profile photo does not clearly show who they are, are unfriended (or) Friends information hidden.

4.Photos of hugs,cake-smeared buddies (with the opposite sex ) are removed/hidden to prevent speculation of any kind.Photos showing any kind of affinity towards alcohol are removed to paint a ‘conservative’ image.

5. A review is done of all the groups that have been ‘Liked’ and the ‘Likes’ removed for groups that suggest any kind of contrary behavior patterns.(In arranged marriages,a background check is done and the tastes of the person is a huge indicator).

marriage

6.Family/Extended family photos suddenly start appearing on the timeline.(Underlying message : “Check out my cool relatives” ,”We’re just a big HAPPY and LOVING FAMILY” or “I am not a sociopath”).

This post might be more relevant to Indians though I suppose some of the patterns are followed globally.

If you have seen other behavior patterns,please let me know in the comments section 🙂

 

Is the Anderson – Jadeja spat real?

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Inside scoop on the latest cricket controversy

This conversation took place a few days before the start of the IND vs ENG (ongoing) Test series between the ECB and the BCCI :–

BCCI:”We are thinking of truncating the 5-test series to a 4 (or) 3 -test series”.

ECB: “Good Heavens!Why is that?What happened?

BCCI: We don’t think a there is a lot of interest in the Test Matches.We could include a couple of Twenty20s..

ECB :The English are not particularly interested in Twenty20s.We believe Test cricket is the ‘real’ cricket.

BCCI: Well,after the Test series loss to SriLanka,England does not seem to be a very interesting side.No KP..no Swann..we heard that Panesar won’t be playing..

ECB :Hang on,so you want interest to be generated?

BCCI: We don’t see how you can manufacture interest..

ECB: Why not?Are you looking for something along the lines of the Starc-Pollard incident..something that can go viral on YouTube?

BCCI :No…maybe something offline so that people will be hooked to the Tests waiting for something to happen on the field.

ECB:Ok..we will use Broad,Anderson or Prior to create this ‘incident’.

BCCI: Broad is not very intimidating.Most Indians check the “6 sixes in an over”incident on YouTube using their smartphones everytime he comes on to bowl.

ECB: Ok,Who will be involved in the Indian side,Zaheer is out–what about Kohli?

BCCI : No,he is practicing Yoga nowadays to control his temper and he will not indulge in anything that will sabotage his future chances of being India captain.

ECB: I know who will be perfect….Jadeja;we hear that you call him “Sir Jadeja” in India?The English are already intrigued about how he achieved Knighthood without the Queen’s intervention.He has a lot of facial hair and is close to Dhoni–the perfect reason for people to hate him.The Barmy Army will enjoy going after him.

BCCI: Ok ,sounds good.I will call Dhoni and brief him about this.He will drop a lot of hints when the press interview happens.I have to go now..Mr.Gavaskar is calling me..he still thinks he is the BCCI president.

ECB: Bye! Thank you for your co-operation that continues to strengthen our cricketing ties (YAWN!).

 

 

This post has been written with the intention of inducing a few smiles and maybe spark a few debates(sans violence).DON’T SUE ME,Please 🙂

 

 

5 Unconventional WhatsApp Uses

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Use these ‘connect’ tips if you are paranoid,stalking or dealing with plain old ‘confusion’

 

Thought that WhatsApp was merely an app that keeps you connected with your buddies?Think Again.Here are 5 ways WhatsApp can be used (some of them will make you wish that you had never bought a cellphone and maybe wear T-shirts that say “ LAND-LINE PHONES = LESSER RADIATION = SAVE SPARROWS”).By the way,this post has been written under the assumption that all parties involved have WhatsApp installed on their phones(I am NOT A LAWYER):—

  1. Remember the last time you gave directions to someone, who after driving towards your location and reaching it, was UNABLE TO SPOT YOU (or) the landmark you referred to?Well,in future,just take a picture of yourself or the surroundings and send it to him/her via WhatsApp.(If confusion prevails,ask him to take a picture of himself/surroundings and send it to you and after meeting him glare at him ….or punch him,if you can get away with it).
  2. Think that your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is cheating on you?Since,it is your birthright to check your boyfriend’s (am going to stick with boyfriend for now)location every now and then..you should try this.. “Hey,send me a video of what you are doing now,I miss you and wanna see you” (meaning I don’t trust your ass! ).This will discourage your boyfriend from “extra -curricular activities”.
  3. In the rarest of rare cases,where you boyfriend is a crafty guy and already has a video to fool you about his location,ask him to mention a new “code word” in each video.
  4. Ever had to deal with supervisors at work who had major trust issues?Well,the next time you are sick (or) have met with an accident (or) need to accompany someone on a medical emergency(or)attend a funeral,useWhatsApp to message a photo of your “surroundings”(example a video of you vomiting is evidence that is hard to ignore…and forget).
  5. If you are stalking someone and want to let them know that you are stalking them;you can send a ‘surprise’ video to the stalkee (which will probably end you in jail…well,anything for 15 seconds of fame).

As you can clearly see I am not a Relationship Expert and have just written this post to make the world an interesting place.If your relationship goes sour —it is because you did not have “breathing space” and were too busy “connecting on WhatsApp”…or it is KARMA.If you are a stalker who reads posts on Medium,please don’t give me credit when you are nailed;I don’t need 15 seconds of fame.

Read my other posts :

Facebook ‘Like’ is NOT Expressive ENOUGH

3 Reasons why an Indianized ‘RunPee’ won’t work

Photo by Ariana Prestes

3 Reasons why an Indianized ‘RunPee‘ won’t work

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A look at how an otherwise amazing app might not have universal appeal

 

Recently I came across an app called RunPee which helps you schedule your ‘peetimes’ when you watch movies!This is great for most Hollywood movies that typically does not exceed 120 min viewing time,has gone through tight editing and does not have the ‘complexities’ that an average Indian movie (minimum of 2 songs,total viewing time not less than 150-180 min).Here are my reasons..

  1. Most Indian movies have huge chunks of inconsequential sections interspersed with the original story plot.Classifying something as ‘inconsequential’ would invite rage from several ‘fans’ .In India,filmstars are accorded demi-god status (here are some of the names given to them .. ‘Superstar’, ‘Universal Star’ , ‘Megastar’ , ‘Captain’ etc.) and to risk associating them with any hint of irrelevance is….well,SUICIDE.
  2. Most songs in Indian movies have completely no connection at all to the main plot but the songs (with dance routine included)serve to “release tension” and most heroines (who anyway get very little screen time) will probably be very unhappy about people going out to pee when the Songs are on .( I am not even talking about “ITEM SONGS “here).
  3. If the amount of “inconsequential time” greatly reduces the total screen time,someone who is thin-skinned is bound to throw a lawsuit(you know just to get attention….which is the NO.1 Reason people sue other people anyway).

So There it is …my top 3 reasons this app might not have a universal appeal.I have included a photo of an onion to denote the complex Indian film industry..the more layers you uncover,the more tears you shed 🙂

Folks at RunPee,if this post has offended you in anyway,please DON’T SUE ME,I can’t afford legal expenses!!

Photo by Webvilla

What is the USA really trying to do on Mars?

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Dinosaurs,Space Tourism and terrorists are all on the agenda

 

Ever wondered why the U.S is poking around in Mars for “signs of life”?Well,nobody is going to spend a ton of cash to just look for new elements,new species or “superior beings”(aliens).The research that NASA is doing currently will have far reaching implications years from now.I have outlined my hypotheses below,dividing them into sections for easier assimilation:—

Dinosaur Revival

Do you know the origin of Petroleum? DEAD ORGANIC MATTER.Organic matter after decomposition and a few million years later(and maybe sulphur is part of the process..I’ll explain that in a bit)becomes crude oil which is then processed to get petroleum.Hold that thought now.

So,the USA is planning to bring back the dinosaurs! Yes!you read that correctly (ever read Jurassic Park? ).Here is the action plan :the dinosaurs will be given a suitable climate to flourish—-something which would not be possible to create on Earth without raising a million eyebrows.

Starting the “Dinosaur Revival” would spawn a whole new line of products→ Dinosaur leather products,Dinosaur sausages,Dinosaur eggs and Dinosaur Protein Isolate to name a few (out- of- the-world experience guaranteed).The food products would be from plant- eating dinosaurs. The dinosaurs which look exotic or cute would be up for adoption (we might have a “Dinosaur Day” on our already overcrowded calendar with people walking around in T-shirts that read “Adopt a Dinosaur,Feed Somali children”).The carnivorous dinosaurs would be bred in a separate section and made to multiply.

Dinosaurs Sports, where different species would pitted against each other (or) Dinosaurs fights with robots ,will be the vogue.

Various medical tests, that were otherwise banned on Earth, will be performed on them.After some time,a selected percentage of Adult Dinosaurs would be subject to electro-chemical decomposition to create a ton of dead organic matter(you do know that these fellas weigh in tons,don’t you?)and..after some additional processing..BOOM..Petroleum.

Space Tourism and Real Estate

Recent technological advances have made space travel a possibility now.Most of these space travel experiences involve a person experiencing ‘weightlessness’ and doing ‘somersaults’ and “floating through space”.The “Mars Experience” would allow for more personalized experiences. (You might hear kids boast “My Dad wrote my name on Mars surface…”, “My brother pissed on Mars surface..” etc.)

Also,buying land on Mars would become the next fad.(“We have a house on Mars too”).

Exiling Anti-social elements

Human Rights activists don’t like what goes on Guantanamo Bay (any sane person would not,by the way).Other countries and organizations (WikiLeaks ) have started to expose the chinks in the U.S Intelligence armor.

Enter Mars, the perfect place for exiling terrorists and criminals(the dinosaurs might need variety in their diet anyway)or suspects who need to be interrogated discreetly by the U.S Government.

Moving terrorists/criminals to a different planet would help achieve a twin purpose: 1.Isolating the problem and 2.Removing the problem.

This post was written after careful consideration of all consequences.If you find me missing suddenly,don’t think I got kidnapped..I would most probably be on Mars.

Image credit:Folkert Gorter